August 10, 2003
SCOTT AUKERMAN'S REALITY ROUNDUP RECAPLET
Webster's dictionary defines "reality" as " The perfect thing to make into your favorite TV shows!" Who knew! And what Daniel Webster doesn't know, I don't want to tell you! So buckle up, gentle reader, and let's see what the (as my VERY hip neighbor calls them) "haps" are with all the goings-on and derrings-do in the world of REALITY TELEVISION!
MAKING THE BAND II: O-Town was just the beginning! (of the end of their careers.) Sean "Puff Groggy" Combs personally chose these six strangers, picked to live in a house (True story!) and spew nursery rhymes over his old David Bowie records. These guys crack me up! One of them quits the "band" every episode. Then someone reminds them that they're poor black people, and they come crawling back. Puffy is constantly lecturing them about what hard work it is being entertainers. Then he leaves for his five o'clock threesome with Punk'd's Ashton Kutcher and "gal pal" Demi Moore! Not to be missed!
PROJECT GREENLIGHT: or, "Why No One Who Wants To Be Taken Seriously In Hollywood Should Ever Agree To Be On A Reality Show." This week, co-directors Efram and Kyle pout about being forced to hire the va-va-va-VOOM-licious Jane Kaczmarek from TV's M&M commercials. They should be so lucky! I would drag my dick through six miles of broken glass just to ask her for a dick-band-aid! Seriously, HBO-- fire those two jokers and hire me instead. I've written a VERY interesting script about a tough New York City cop who builds a time machine and travels back to Ali Baba days. He then finds a magic lamp, and wishes for the powers of Superman. Then he uses his X-Ray vision to find a buried treasure, all so he can make his payments on the time machine. It's called "An Ineffable Morality," and it's practically begging to be "Greenlighted!" (Copyright pending)
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL: And the winner is: My boner! The world's most hilarious jokes aside, Adrianne took the prize this week. Meanwhile, future Debbie Allen lookalike Tyra Banks desperately attempted, in her stilted line-readings, to sound as natural as her big ol' titties. I was excited to see this episode, because, according to the promos, when Robin, the Bible-thumping bee-yatch, left the house, the motto of the day was "anything goes!" Unfortunately that just meant the girls wore Groucho glasses and ate cereal in their boxers. For shame, Mr. UPN!
PARADISE HOTEL: Sadly, this is the only show in history where the live audience has reason to hold up signs that read "Dave, I love your man-boobs!" Last week, muscle-bound Zack revealed a deep, dark secret--when he was a child, his mother dropped him off at the supermarket and left him there. Presumably in the Conceited Jock Dick aisle (right next to the Ben & Jerry's!). This week, he confesses that he's "way more intelligent than some wannabe proper bitch!" Seems he has a problem with Kavita, whom he warns that he is not to be messed with. "You sound dumb! I’m good at arguing! I have lawyer in me!" he cautions. Hopefully he's not referring to Johnnie Cochran's enormous ten-incher, because the last thing this dude needs is more asshole.
BIG BROTHER 4: If you watched the first season, then you probably didn't watch the last two. The worst part of this show is finding room on my hard-drive to download booby pics from the webcast. And I DO mean "hard" drive. I ALSO mean "download." However, I DON'T mean "webcast." Full update next week!
ROAD RULES: This week, Abe was kicked off the show for beating up the requisite loud, irritating, black guy, proving, for once and for all, that Road Rules and the Klan have decidedly different entry requirements. Then the audience was subjected to twenty minutes of Fatty McMouthy dancing around in a thong, looking like five eighty-pound hams strung together with newspaper twine. Delightful!
AMERICAN JUNIORS: My good friend Jim Mullen, in his "quip-tastic" Entertainment Weekly column "The Hot Sheet" said that the best thing about this American Idol spin-off is that the contestants haven't had the chance to be arrested yet. Well then, maybe you should arrest ME for loving this show so much! And for wanting to have sex with the thirteen-year old girls and boys! Yummy! But mainly for loving the show so much! I need help, I'm serious!
NEXT WEEK: Updates on BIG BROTHER 4, CUPID, FAME, LAST COMIC STANDING, THE REAL WORLD, FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2, THE AMAZING RACE 4, and (gulp!) WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY DAD! (Seriously, who wants to?)
BONUS QUOTES FROM "FOR LOVE OR MONEY":
"I have never, EVER done anything for money in my life. Other than, you know, my job."
- Erin
"Decisions are very important. Because every decision you make could change the rest of your life."
- Paige
"… We kissed, and I told you before, I, I forgot where I was. I was swept away. By you. And I still feel that way, you know? I mean, I-- I'm amazed. With the person you are? You know? How, how exhilarated you are by life. How strong you are. How smart you are. And especially how wise you are. And I'm also, like, I feel unworthy I think, because, you know, you gave me that note and you talked about my soul and how you see the best part of me? And… and you look at me and smile, and… and I'm so flattered that you feel that, because… because it's just amazing that you feel that way. And… yesterday in the garden? I felt so comfortable with you? And I was glad that you finally seemed comfortable with me. And this whole time, obviously you're here for a reason, and you're here at the end for a reason, and that's because… 'cause I really care about you, and… I'm just amazed at everything about you, and everything I've learned so far, and I'm so grateful for that. And I'm so grateful I met you. And we've gotten to spend this time together. When we were in the Napa Valley, you said that this would be the best day of my life. And, and… and I felt like it was. One of the best days of my life. Just spending time with you. And you told me that, no matter what my decision, you would support me, and I know that you will, and… I just feel somehow, and I don't, I don't, I don't know how, but… the person that's right here in front of you is not the person that was here three weeks ago? And… and I feel different, I feel like somehow… I've been able to reach inside more than I ever have. And I, and I thank you for that, and I thank everyone else for that. You know, and it's been hard, and it's been difficult, and I've been stressed out? And ultimately… when I look inside… I have all these strong feelings for you? But… I feel as though… I have a better chance with Erin."- PARTIAL transcript of über-bore Rob's rambling, five-minute monologue to second-place Paige
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