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September 10, 2003

SCOTT AUKERMAN'S REALITY ROUNDUP RECAPLET 2

HELLOO, my merry band of television fans! As summer windeth down, what is the best way to beat the heat? You guessed it! REALITY PROGRAMMING! (And fluids)

TEMPTATION ISLAND 3: A show that dares to ask the question: Do hot people like to fuck each other? Seriously, FOX-- give regular guys like us a chance on the Isle! I would go through these models like a warm knife through Nicole Simpson! (©1995, "Scott Aukerman's Best Jokez!"). Better yet, a REAL Temptation Island would give you a choice between fucking a hot chick, a football game and a keg of beer, am I right? Huh? Fellas? Hello…?

FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2: On the last show, Rob chose Erin, Erin chose the million dollars, and discerning viewers chose CSI Miami repeats. This time, Erin returns, with one important differoo-- she's picking from fifteen guys, which means 28 less tits to look at! Now, a lot of people have been complaining that the prize money doesn't amount to much, as it's given out over forty years. But for a girl like Erin, I'd settle for a million kicks in the balls! Delish!

BIG BROTHER 4 "THE X-FACTOR": This time, the houseguests are locked in a house with their ex-lovers. After the first couple of days, Scott got thrown out of the house for tossing some chairs around. But get this-- his reason, he says, is that he's upset that he has genital warts. Hey, is this really an effective excuse?! Like, "All right everyone, calm down-- I just have genital warts." You would think it would be the contestants who would throw the chairs away after that! But seriously, this IS a tough position to be in, being trapped with your ex-girlfriend. It reminds me of the time that Ruth Buzzi and I found ourselves at Rod McKuen's cocktail party, and I'm sure you all can imagine the sticky wicket! O treachery!

WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY DAD?: A question often asked by my two abortions. After For Love or Money 2's lack of boobs, it was horrifying to see 9 1/2 pairs of old lady saggies on this show (I think one of the contestants had a mastectomy). Who won? Who cares-- these women sport more neck wrinkles than Brian Posehn's flabby dong. BONUS TWIST! In the greatest show-swapping move since Richard "Rock the" Belzer jumped from Homicide over to Law and Order: Raped Lady Unit, the Lie Detector guy from Meet my Folks was a series regular!

QUOTES OF THE WEEK:

From "Paradise Hotel," Zach:
"You're not smarter than me! A) You have no street smarts, and number two, Game on!"

From "Cupid," Robert's awkward acapella song to Lisa:
(Sung)
"When I saw yo-o-o-ou…for the first ti-i-i-i-ime…It was lo-o-o-o-ove…"
(Rap)
"My whole life I was lookin’ for you! Can this be true? And all the signs were leading to you. So when we meet, I think is it for real…"
(Rapped to the tune of "Rock me Amadeus")
"Lisa Shannon? Lisa Shannon! Lisa Shannon! Oh oh oh, Lisa Shannon!"
(Sung)
"It’s so ni-i-i-i-ice…It’s so ri-i-i-i-ight…We’re going to be together toni-i-i-i-i-ight…Don’t be afra-a-a-a-aid…This song is su-u-u-ung…It’s for yo-o-o-ou and only for yo-o-o-ou!"

Posted by funbunch at 06:25 PM | Comments (0)