April 29, 2004
B.J. PORTER’S "OVERHEARD IN HOLLYWOOD!"
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I have lived in Hollywood for well over a decade. And for much of that time, I have made a hobby of secretly recording people’s private conversations. (Actually, I thought of doing it after Maxim started printing bathroom conversations in the back of their magazine. But that was several years ago).
For anyone NOT living in Hollywood, here are some snippets of REAL dialogue from REAL LIFE Hollywood "wannabes!" You’re not going to BELIEVE that people in Hollywood actually talk like this. But when you read this dialogue, you'll know why they call this place "La La Weird!" Enjoy!
(This exchange was recorded Aug. 5th, 1999 at a popular Hollywood bar called The Cat & The Fiddle)
Actor #1: Hey, you never told me how that JAG audition went. It was a call back, right?
Actor #2: Yeah. I thought it went well. Didn't get it, though.
Actor #1: Sorry.
Actor #2: Oh, well. It takes time, I guess. I did get a date with this actress who was also auditioning.
Actor #1: Is that the one you’re going out with tomorrow?
Actor #2: Yeah.
Actor #1: Cool. She hot?
Actor #2: Super hot.
Okay. Take a moment and catch your breath. This is just ONE example of the hilarious conversations I commonly catch on my mini-tape recorder. As hilarious as this exchange is on it’s own ("Boohoo, I don’t get to be on JAG!"), it’s only PART of the story.
I wound up secretly following the failed actor for the next 48 hours (just for a kick – I was sleeping in my car at the time anyway). Turns out, his name was Steve Evans. The reason you don’t know that name is, he still hasn’t "made it" as an actor (I guess it really DOES take time, Steve! Ouch! Being referred to as Actor #1 in the above transcript might be your greatest acting honor! Ouch again! Oh, wait. I called him Actor #2. Nevermind about that last "ouch").
Oh, and as for that "super hot" date he was supposed to have? Well, she was really cute. But she WASN'T "super hot." And, he didn’t even fuck her until the third date (I started following him again a few days later – they later married – beautiful wedding).
(This exchange was recorded August 22, 2003 at SkyBar)
Man: I want to open a Hall of Fame.
Guy: Like the Baseball Hall of Fame?
Man:. Or the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Exactly. But instead of honoring achievement like all the others, MY Hall of Fame would honor dubious distinction. Things people are embarrassed about. Or ashamed of.
Guy: Okay. So a hall of fame….for shame?
Man: Exactly. The best part is what I’m going to call it.
Guy: What?
Man: The Shame Hall of Fame!*
Wow. Only in Hollywood! Well, it's several months later now, and I've STILL never heard of his "Shame Hall of Fame."
Maybe that's because the name "The Shame Hall of Fame" was copyrighted when I opened "The Shame Hall of Fame" MYSELF back on Sept. 12th, 2001.
(That’s right. The World Trade Center attack was the FIRST thing I inducted. If you'd like to come down this weekend, we'll be inducting the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Shame on you, Halftime Show!)
*several of my friends have suggested that "the man" in this exchange was joking. Or, that he had heard about MY Shame Hall of Fame, and was making fun of it. There's only ONE problem with that theory. If he was kidding, WHERE'S THE JOKE? I rest my case.
(This exchange was recorded LAST NIGHT at a secret meeting at a rec room in Simi Valley – a lovely desert community 35 minutes north -- of HOLLYWOOD!)
Redneck: What's with all the fags on television these days?
Nice Guy: I know. There are so many gay-themed shows right now!
Redneck: Must be why I'm not on television. I ain't gay. Everywhere you turn, gay this and fag that. These gay dudes want to show you their lifestyle. These queers want you to dress like ‘em.
Nice Guy: Totally. It's a little much. From NO gay shows to CONSTANT gay shows. Something in between might be okay. I said "might!"
Redneck: The only "in between" those queers want is a dick in between there butt cheeks.
Nice Guy: Wow. That's a little harsh, Bob. I mean, I'm not saying I'm "for that," but…
Redneck: You know it's true. What are you doing with that tape recorder, anyway?
Nice Guy: It's just something I do. I tape conversations. Kind of a cultural study.
Redneck: Well, you should put those conversations on my website.
Nice Guy: What website?
Redneck: Mine! Bobanddavid.com.
Nice Guy: Sure. Does it pay anything...
Redneck: No! But make sure you include this conversation.
Nice Guy: Why?
Redneck: People need to hear the truth.
Oh, they'll hear the truth alright, "Bob." True-life Hollywood conversations! But that's all I have time to transcribe now, kiddalinos! I'll be back again, with real and incredible things I've...
"OVERHEARD IN HOLLYWOOD!"
Posted by funbunch at April 29, 2004 02:07 AM
Comments
LOL
Posted by: Simi Valley real estate at August 28, 2005 11:06 AM