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May 12, 2005

Fans Around the World Unite to Wish BJ Porter a Happy Birthday

Thursday, May 12th is BJ Porter's 35th birthday! Anyone who wishes can leave their congratulations on the message board!

Posted by funbunch at 08:40 PM | Comments (1)

May 02, 2005

Riding The Space-Galacta-Transport With My Sibling Unit

by Scott Aukerman

Much like when “The Shop Around the Corner” was updated to become “You’ve Got Mail,” I believe the modern classic “Riding the Bus with My Sister” will be updated for future generations to come. So I’ve taken it upon myself to get a jump on writing the screenplay...

FADE IN:

Rosie O’Donnell (85-90) gets on the bus. She wears a BRIGHT ORANGE T-SHIRT with a cartoon of a “Tweety-con H8-G67.”

KINDLY DRIVER: Why, Hello, Rosie! Riding the Space-Galacta-Transport again today?

ROSIE: HA HA! I’M NOT A HIPPO! YOU’RE A HIPPO! (laughs like Pee-Wee Herman) I LIKE FELT! IT’S NUTRITIOUS!

The PASSENGERS of the space bus laugh with quiet acceptance.

MEAN OLD MAN: Don’t pay any attention to her. I ride this route from Earth to Venus every day of my life, and I can tell you that she is just a retard!

Everyone on the bus, as well as the audience at home, recoils at this horrible, inhumane way of speech.

ROSIE: (shits pants) YOU ARE A MEANIE! ADMIT IT! WHAT’S YOUR NAME?!

MEAN OLD MAN: Why, it’s Mr. Meenoldmann!

The Kindly Driver and every God-fearing, decent person on this bus shakes their head in shame at the depths to which human nature can sink.

CROTCHETY OLD BLACK WOMAN: Get off this Space-Galacta-Transport, you honky bullshitter!

Every good, compassionate, philanthropic passenger agrees with this sentiment. They know, all too well, the curveballs that fate can deal one when one sits at the curveball-poker table. Pure dignity flashes in their eyes as, filled with goodness, they rise to MURDER the MEAN OLD MAN.

JEWISH VULCAN: Oy! Even we (a wildly differing group of pleasant caricatures) know that mentally-challenged people deserve respect, decorum, and free cheese!

Suddenly, ANDIE MACDOWELL (87-88ish) runs in from outer space.

ANDIE MACDOWELL: Rosie! Bad news! Our father has had a heart attack! He’s in a coma and is dead!

ROSIE: (cries) WAAAH! IT’S NOT REALLY HAPPENING! MY RETARDATION SIMPLY HEIGHTENS THE FACT THAT, INSIDE, WE ALL SHARE THE SAME EMOTIONS! WAAAHHH! SPIDER-MAN, SPIDER-MAN, DOES WHATEVAH A SPIDAH CAN!

The KINDLY DRIVER veers the space-bus off of the space-road.

KINDLY DRIVER: ‘Fraid we’re gonna have to make a stop at the graveyard. Might make you miss your doctor appointment, you fucking Jew!

JEWISH VULCAN: What do I care? He’s a quack anyway!

The entirety of the bus erupts with the gentle laughter of relief -- relief of the sort when we are reminded that the ties that bind us all as human beings are not unique to us. No, they are shared by all who possess a soul, a conscience. Quite simply, we are one.

As Rosie shits thrice more, we...
FADE OUT.

Posted by funbunch at 07:14 PM | Comments (5)